WARNING: PEOPLE WITH A FEAR OF CLOWNS SHOULD NOT READ THIS REVIEW.

I didn't at all believe the hype about the Dark Knight.

After all, every single movie trailer you see on TV proclaims its own film to be "THIS YEAR'S BIGGEST HIT THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA THE GREATEST MOVIE YOU HAVE SEEN EVER." I was a naysayer. Nay, said I! After all, I like Christian Bale and all, but I didn't particularly like Batman Begins - I cling to my idea of Batman as espoused by an amalgamation of comics, Tim Burton movies, and a certain award-winning animated TV series. Christian Bale's Batman didn't fit my vision of the controlled and sophisticated mastermind beneath the cape and cowl. His Batman voice sounds exactly like my fabulous gay friend's impression of a 50-year-old smoker woman named Gladys, cigarette dangling out of her mouth, can of hairspray in one hand, Star magazine in the other. And besides, that Batsuit? Yes, Bruce, it does make you look fat.

...Well, the Fatman sure showed me.

Fatman to the left of me, Fatman to the right.

I'm sitting here trying to write a cohesive, intelligible review for this movie when all I can do is sit here and shiver, remembering how good it was.

If I smoked, I'd need a cigarette.

Hold on- just a second more -

All right, here we go.

This superhero movie is, in a way, what I always thought of superheroes in general: human nature on the grand scale. The Heroes are men with morals but more importantly, they are a symbol of hope, they stand for the extraordinary ability for the human spirit to endure. The Villains stand for human foibles, for the evils and weaknesses that lurk in every human being, taken to the worst possible scenario.

It's a battle between Good and Evil, only it's not so pat and dry as other superhero movies - strong men can crumble if pushed to their limit, heroes have to compromise, and every victory often comes linked with a grievous sacrifice. It's a morality tale. It's relentless and it's brutal. It tests you. We're thrown into a world of grit and desperation, a Gotham in turmoil where everybody has something precious to lose, where we see just how fragile the values we hold so dear can be. The most positive, loving relationships are used as stakes in cruel games, the most human moments can be uplifting or depressing but often both.

If this is not a cruel game, I know not what it is.

And you know what else? It. Is. Fun.

Critics are calling this film too dark, too grim, too serious. (Why so serious?) While they say it's artistic and masterful, they also say that it wasn't much fun. For me, that's false. I had fun. In fact, I had...a blast. (dr_teng, that's your laughtrack cue.)

Batman fighting off hungry doggies? Sure, why not?

People being made into human bombs? I'm there.

Car chases and flipping trucks? Go on...

Lots of stuff blowing up? Fuck yeah!

Murder, mayhem, madness - those are just three M-words for a big old F-word to me! (Furder, fayhem, fadness...?)

Now, maybe I'm just a sadist and/or a sociopath, but I really don't think that's the case. What it is, actually, is that it's cathartic. As we watch Two-Face's vengeance play unfold, with people dying left and right, we're silently cheering the madman on. We care about the characters and what happens to them, we even care about the fate of the fine fair city of Gotham. It's not so much an emotional rollercoaster but rather being strapped to the front of an emotional runaway train. We're pushed to our limits and I, for one, love it.

...Normal people, of course, may find it too grueling.

Very grueling.

The most adrenaline-pumping scenes aren't the action ones where Batman is doing his Bat-thing (where Nolan's direction can get a bit muddled at times) but rather where nothing is happening at all, but you get the sense that something is about to happen. When someone's in the grips of the Joker, when his nasally maniacal voice asks, "Do you know how I got these scars...?" you can practically feel those horrible purple (rubber? Leather? Pleather?) gloves on either side of your face.

Which of course brings me to the Joker. God.

I cannot get over the Joker. I don't want to get over the Joker.

He's going to haunt the recesses of my consciousness forever, and I like it that way.

It is in this role that people will truly feel the absence of the late and great Heath Ledger. People loved him as a dashing young knight, people loved him as an understated, sexually-repressed societally-oppressed gay cowboy. But in this role, this portrait of an ultimately deranged mastermind, he'll make you shit your pants. And he deserves every ounce of your adoration and more. (Take the pants to the drycleaner's, though.)

Like Satan in Milton's Paradise Lost, he is the answer to the question "Why do people deserve suffering?" Well, because they do not deserve not to suffer.

The Joker is a representation of evil. He has no origin story. He has no logical motivation. He just wants to fuck shit up and he's taking all of us along for the ride.

He is a vehicle of chaos. He's complex, psychotic, terrifying and most importantly of all - completely credible.

And strangely, at points he's almost...endearing.

He's clever. He's funny. It's dark and it's gruesome and you're laughing. The dark humour in this movie catches you completely by surprise and, much like other things that are particularly good by surprise (surprise birthday parties, surprise sex, surprise sex parties on your birthday), it's all that more delightful. A certain pencil-disappearing magic trick comes to mind.

Now available for all your surprise sex parties!

The cast in this movie is fantastic. (Bale's Batman strepthroat voice aside.)

Aaron Eckhart does a brilliant job as Harvey Dent. The role they gave Harvey was larger than I anticipated, Gotham's White Knight to parallel our obvious hero, and I loved what they did with him. Eckhart as Harvey is at once noble and unfaltering yet insecure, morally righteous yet flawed. His pain, when it comes, is raw and tangible. His fall from grace leaves you reeling. (Not to mention that face, huh? It's way more than just a sunburn.)

Gary Oldman as Lieutenant-cum-Commissioner Gordon is human and relatable. He's a champion for good who is strong simply as a man, not an ubermensch. He's a point of compassion for the audience, and when the Gotham Police Department cheered for him, so did the entire theatre.

Casting Maggie Gyllenhaal as The Love Interest, Rachel Dawes, was an incredibly wise choice. She is a vast improvement over Katie Holmes (and I'm not just saying that because I hate Katie Holmes) - she is both intelligent and believable without being annoying. And while Rachel's ambivalent Love Interest Heart may tempt you into crying out "slut!" she ultimately redeems herself. Gyllenhaal manages to pull off a likeable Love-Interest-in-a-Superhero-Movie, which is not an easy feat. (Some may even call it...superhuman.)

Morgan Freeman was Morgan Freeman. Michael Caine as Alfred was clever, wise, and Britishly dry. Their lines are delivered perfectly, wittily, and they are never cheesy.

And the dialogue, amazingly, manages to stay far from cliches; impressive, considering the tempting occasions for it.

The scariness in this movie pushes the PG-13 rating; it's certainly not something I would recommend taking little Billy to. In fact, while I was in the theatre, several families got up and left.

No caption needed

And finally, despite its darkness and desperation, despite the body count that's higher than my old college roommate, its message of altruism, of goodness and hope shines through. The path ultimately chosen is difficult and lonely, but truly inspirational.

At 152 minutes long, this film gripping for almost every second. I had to go to the bathroom for the last 42 minutes of it, sure, but you know what? I sat there and took it like a man. That's right - Dark Knight was so good, so intense, that I risked either wetting myself or exploding my bladder just to see what was going to happen next.

It's been two days since it's opened and I've seen it twice already. And if another friend wants to go? Hell yes, I'll see it again.

I believe in The Dark Knight.

5/5

Have you seen it yet? Why the hell not? If you have, come and join us on the forum thread here. (contains *SPOILERS*)